I’m sorry to have to do this (no, I’m definitely not) but tomorrow you are going into the groomers, and you are having a Lion Cut.
This apartment is too hot
You shed too much
You are too hot
You pant a lot
You shed too much
Boyfriend has asthma
You shed too much.
Obviously there is a TINY, not even really a factor, element of amusement that MIGHT arise once you’ve had your haircut, but I can assure you that has nothing to do with this decision, and that the list of phone numbers for cat agents you saw on my desk was for a friend.
There’s no need to be scared! It will be wonderfully cooling and liberating for you. To give you an idea, you will look a bit like these guys, but way cuter. You might even become as famous as Boo, an average dog who got world famous after having a stupid haircut and becoming a super cute dog. If you do become famous, it should be noted that you will need to pay for your own haircuts moving forward, and hand over 15% of all earnings.
I love you, little lion boy. Time to show everyone what cute really looks like.
Would you look at these baby photos of you? Sweet, sloppy hairballs they’re magnificent.
My boy, it’s hard to explain how much I am missing you. Partly because it’s a real big amount, and partly because you’re a cat and cannot understand human talk, or read, let alone check my Tumblr.
Over three months without my furry little sidekick? Fuck that. Never again. I am so happy, so at home, deep-in-my-heart-at-home when you are trotting around the house behind me, and laying over my laptop when I work, pressing the ‘]’ key for four paragraphs with your paws while I nip to the loo, and placing a little soft lion paw on my neck at night as we sleep, even though I shouldn’t probably let you do that, but what kind of crazed fool would kick you off the bed?
I know you’ve had a fun time at Grandma and Grandpa’s house, and you may not even want to come home, but you’ve got no choice in the matter, you gorgeous little fur sack, it’s time to be smothered in love.