Zo they say.

Dear Fictional Wedding Photos We Took To Use On Our Wedding Program,

Nice!

From your friend,

Zoe

Ps Did you do your own hair and makeup? Pretty!

Dear Ten Winners of Textbook Romance,

And here you are!

@jessihudsMum told me to spray perfume on a pillow in his bed, then if he cheated she’d know he had a girlf already

@abbeygelmi Facebook stalk The New Man pre-date so you can feign undying love for his Interests 

@Acciomalfoyz Marry a rich husband so you don’t have to work.  

@freerange_human Just hang around…he might dump his girlfriend and then realise you’re right there

@babycakequeen Don’t waste time getting an education, you will only forget it when you are changing the nappies of his babies!

@sarahlouisedob He hasn’t returned your text message from 2 days ago so call him just to confirm the dinner details 

@ali_h7 Give him an ultimatum - Marry me or lose me

@eliza_beth_phan Try not to seem too intelligent around guys. They’ll be intimidated & won’t find you attractive 

@alisha_testa It is better to marry a plain/average looking partner, because they are less likely to leave you

And my personal favourite: @genkerin But he has a speedboat 

I’m so deeply sorry you have all been subjected to such shitty love advice.

On the plus side, it won you a book of not-shitty love advice, so it’s not all soggy shoes and delayed flights.

Now please email my publicist - Chantelle.Sturt@au.penguingroup.com - to give her your postal details. And obviously, immediately forget the advice you were given to win this competition.

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Hamish and Andy’s Euro Gap Year,

The only thing you should be apologising for is:

• Making me wait so long for you to start when you KNOW I am impatient
• How criminally gorgeous the ladymanQueen on the left is
• Your shorts being too long

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Brand New Textbook Romance Book Jacket,

I love you.

I love you so much.

You were lovingly created by the masterful, delightful Allison Colpoys, who does all of my covers and who is criminally talented, and you THRILL me to my cold, hard, robotic core.

It’s a very tough call between you and Amazing Face, but the fact you are hiding within you my favourite book of all I’ve written, and certainly the one that presents me with the most breathtakingly honest and incredible feedback from young women, puts you in the lead for favourite cover, too.

Oh! But why choose! They are ALL so splendid. I am one luckily, lucky little author. (“We” to be fair - Hamish wrote such brilliant man advice throughout the book.) 

I hope your fancy new jacket earns you lots of admiring glances and attention, and that a whole new audience of dames find you and read you and love you and get some new ideas about gents and their behaviour and thought cycles thereof.

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear The Younger Man Book Which I Wrote and Which is On Sale Today,

Welcome! Welcome a lot!

God, it’s good to have you here at last, and available for squids to read and buy.

And! Such a major coup for you, straight out of the gate! I can’t believe you got the chance to be on Booking Good with Mateus Malgorinsonson. He’s terrifically well-respected, you know… and not too hard on the eyes, either!

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Two Little Boys Trailer,

I’ve been lucky enough to see the whole thing already, and so I for a big fat fact KNOW you are an OUTSTANDING FILM and that your leading men are not only wonderfully talented and funny, but also actually very impressive actors who do an exceptional job in this film, but this trailer gives Everyone Else a chance to see the cinematic treat they’re in for later this year. 

(Of course, any rascal who attended the Berlin International Film Festival already knows all this because they saw the film this week, and they bloody loved it.)

… Tell you what, that Deano is a dropdead hunk, isn’t he? I’d love to run my fingers through that sweet, bouncy mullet.

From your friend,

Zoe.

Dear Outstanding New six-part TV series called twentysomething,

I know you don’t start until September 6, on ABC2 at 9pm, but having been blessed enough to see a few of your eps, I was compelled to tell you how I’m feeling. 

It shits me that people may bandy around terms like “bias” and “helping out friends” and “sleeping with one of the cast” and “gorgeous” when I say what I’m about to, but I must do it regardless, because I authentically love this show.

Here we go:

twentysomething, you are a terrifically original, genuinely funny, spectacularly well-written and wonderfully acted series.

Your glimmering, scene-theiving star, the sassy, delicious, rabble-rousing redhead fox, JESS HARRIS, is not only exceptionally engaging to watch, but also created, wrote and produced the dingin’ thing, along with her adorable co-star, co-creator and co-producer Mr JOSH SCHMIDT.

But Miss HARRIS… I mean, what a talent! What a minx! What a diamond! Snap her up, Hollywood, you ridiculous oafs - she is the funniest woman you’ll ever have the good fortune and thrill of meeting! If you meet her, that is! Which you should!

You are relatable, relevant and real, your story is brimming with fresh and fantastically comic moments, but elegantly balanced with depth and heart, too. Also, the Billy character, played by the handsome HAMISH BLAKE, is fabulous. I wouldn’t be surprised if he scores a role on Neighbours after his heartfelt, hunky performance.

But don’t just take my words for it, dummy! Here’s what the pre-press has to say:

“I laughed and laughed! What a terrifically witty show!”
Zoe’s mouth and breathing apparatus and vocal chords.

“I’ll be honest, I kind of wanted to look a lot better after seeing Jess look so beautiful each scene.”
Zoe’s hair and makeup.

“Fuck. I wish I’d written an amazingly clever TV show like this.”
Zoe’s brain. 

“Whooooa… who’s that Billy adonis? What a dreamboat!”
Zoe’s heart. 

“This show is going to smash it. Only a complete moron wouldn’t find this fun, and funny and adorable. It might start off ‘under the radar,’ but it will become a monstrous success.”
Zoe’s marketing sensibility.

“Enough tappity-tap-tap! Feed me at once, you insipid wench!”
Zoe’s stomach.

Obviously you’ve already been pretty well-recieved, but this is only the nose of the crocodile. 

See you September 6, you gorgeous, vibrant rascal!

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Makeover of My Gorgeous Boyfriend,

Thank you for FINALLY allowing me to show everyone just how dazzlingly alluring he is capable of looking when just a tiny amount, a pixie’s fart basically, of effort is put in. 

What a result!

What a hunk!

What a terrific endorsement for my upcoming book!

What a swell guy to widely and publicly endorse Amazing Face for me!

I’m such a lucky little legume. (Not to mention a terrifically talented makeup artist.)

From your friend,

Zoe