Zo they say.

Dear Cat Cutely Licking Rat,

You naughty, naughty things!

You’re disrupting decades of excellent cartoon rivalry with your friendship and cute kiss licking.

Stop it.
STOP IT THIS VERY MOMENT.

From your friend,

Zoe

(Source: onlylolgifs)

Dear Long Kitty,

Not tall enough.

Add stilts.

From your friend,

Zoe

(Source: finalellipsis)

Dear Ten Winners of Textbook Romance,

And here you are!

@jessihudsMum told me to spray perfume on a pillow in his bed, then if he cheated she’d know he had a girlf already

@abbeygelmi Facebook stalk The New Man pre-date so you can feign undying love for his Interests 

@Acciomalfoyz Marry a rich husband so you don’t have to work.  

@freerange_human Just hang around…he might dump his girlfriend and then realise you’re right there

@babycakequeen Don’t waste time getting an education, you will only forget it when you are changing the nappies of his babies!

@sarahlouisedob He hasn’t returned your text message from 2 days ago so call him just to confirm the dinner details 

@ali_h7 Give him an ultimatum - Marry me or lose me

@eliza_beth_phan Try not to seem too intelligent around guys. They’ll be intimidated & won’t find you attractive 

@alisha_testa It is better to marry a plain/average looking partner, because they are less likely to leave you

And my personal favourite: @genkerin But he has a speedboat 

I’m so deeply sorry you have all been subjected to such shitty love advice.

On the plus side, it won you a book of not-shitty love advice, so it’s not all soggy shoes and delayed flights.

Now please email my publicist - Chantelle.Sturt@au.penguingroup.com - to give her your postal details. And obviously, immediately forget the advice you were given to win this competition.

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Clam Eating Salt,

You’re probably pretty embarrassed that the first time most of the world sees what you look like alive and not in a chowder or a cartoon or something, you’re on a table licking salt, right?

No?

Just a bit thirsty?

I clam understand that.

From your friend,

Zoe

(Source: videohall)

Dear A Woman Scormed,

Thanks for your kind message!

Sure you can see my toes. 

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Sink Kitties,

Not cute enough.

Add shower caps.

From your friend,

Zoe

(Source: andrewbreitel)

Dear Curious,

I saw your question a few days ago and wondered what my answer was.

Still don’t know.

From your friend,

Zoe

I JEST. I jest.

I have some thoughts about what makes a good girlfriend:

- Be who you were when you met him, with the exception of being a better version of who you were when you met him.

- Be supportive; be his team mate. Lift him up when he’s down and share the delights when he is up. Expect reciprocity. 

- Keep your own plans, friends and social activity up. Don’t become the girl who drops everything for a dude. That girl is a dingus.

- Be certain and honest that you like who you are when you’re in love. If you become more insecure, jealous, unhealthy, unfit, boring, cranky, fighty or unhappy, then reassess.

- Be loving and generous and thoughtful. The small things matter. 

- Don’t beat him at Black Ops. He will hate that.

- Do beat him at Black Ops. He will fall even harder in love with you.

- Be honest with him and learn to openly communicate. Passive aggression is frightfully fucked up. Don’t play that way.

- Have fun with him. Why the heck are you in a relationship if you’re not having fun together? You could be single and having fun, or with someone else having fun. 

- Love is not “hard” and it does not “hurt” despite what song lyrics tell us. Good, genuine love feels wonderful, easy, joyful. And when it IS hard, how dedicated you both are to working through it makes it even better.

- Don’t sleep with his brother. (Or sister.)

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear 2012 Favourite Moment Inventory Keeper,

Great question!

It would probably be when they called to tell me I had won Miss Teen USA.

That or being freshly engaged and full of wine and sunshine and burgers in Queenstown early January.

From your friend,

Zoe

Dear Idiots,

Not stupid enough.

Add inflatable pool and electric current.

From your friend,

Zoe

(Source: uberhumor.com)

Dear Sloths All In A Row On Your Bellies Eating Your Supper,

Not cute enough.

Add saddles.

From your friend,

Zoe.